eli westfall, lmft

We have all heard this saying before, right? Possession is 9/10 of the law. With the meaning being, if we have something in out possession then we must be the rightful owner of said object. That’s how it works, right? Not really. Similarly, you may have heard perception is reality. This is probably true. At least from a certain point of view.

I love Star Wars. I mean, I love Star Wars. I have three dogs and two of them have Star Wars related names. I have watched all the Star Wars things. I don’t get hung up on whether Disney has ruined Star Wars or not. I just enjoy Star Wars. I believe truth is absolute. Truth is truth, it is not relative and it doesn’t change from person to person or from situation to situation. Truth is the truth. So when Luke finally realize Darth Vader is his father, he confronts a now dead Obi-Wan Kenobi about the story he was told of how Darth Vader had murdered his father, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan responded what he told Luke was true, from a certain point of view… I have some difficulty. Truth is truth. Anakin Skywalker = Darth Vader. Obi-Wan was asserting when Anakin became Darth Vader, he was no longer Anakin and therefore Anakin was murdered by Darth Vader. But, is that really what happened?

Our perception of events and experiences we have doesn’t change the truth of the events of experiences we have. Our perception does shed a certain light on the events and experiences we have. When we interact with each other, we need to be aware of the perception the other has about the interaction. The truth of the interaction isn’t changed, the interpretation and understanding of the interaction does. This is why it is critical for us to get to the feelings and emotions behind the interactions and behind the behaviors.

I have a couple I am seeing for therapy. A few weeks ago during a session we discussed a recent argument they had. On the surface, the argument seemed petty and meaningless. Once we dug into the argument and got down to the feelings behind the argument, it was anything but petty. The wife perceived an intimacy and familiarity between the husband and his ex as a result of the husband’s answer to a question. The argument quickly became more than just a simple dialogue that turned into a petty argument. It quickly became about her perception of his feelings and closeness to another woman. For the husband, it was nothing more than a communication of factual information. Once it became clear it was about her feelings, they were able to work through the argument and find resolution. But not until those feelings were addressed and the perception was addressed.

This plays out in every interaction and every relationship we have and it is critical we train ourselves to be tuned in to the feelings and emotions going on behind the words and actions of those who are close to us. If we can deal with the feelings and emotions which cause a certain perception to become a reality, we are able to find resolution with those we care about.

How do we do this? How do we pay attention to the feelings and emotions? We can ask ourselves and our loved ones questions like: ‘What about this is really upsetting?’ or ‘What are you feeling right now?’ We can reflect back to them what we hear them saying and clarify what we hear them communicating. We can not get defensive and make an effort to see thins from their perspective. It isn’t always easy, but it is possible with some practice. You know what they say, nothing worth doing is easy. They also say practice makes perfect. I don’t know if either of those are true, I do know it takes practice and effort and it isn’t easy to put our feelings in the backseat and allow the feelings of others to be forefront. But, I do know it is possible to do and our relationships will be all the better for it.

What can you do today to become better at hearing the feelings behind the words and actions?