eli westfall, lmft LLC

Sticks and stones may break our bones but words can never hurt me… at least how the saying goes. The thing about sayings like this one is that they are mostly true but at the same time not entirely true. Sticks and stones do break our bones and words can and do hurt us.

The reality is words do hurt us and they very much damage relationships. Even the words we don’t mean or the words we say in anger that are incongruent with the remainder of our behaviors still cause collateral damage and have a negative impact on our relationships. This is likely what makes the saying ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ so poignant. Words do in fact have an effect on us. Words in fact leave scars. Words can and do break the bones of relationships.

This may come as a surprise to many of you, I make mistakes. I make big mistakes. I always have and likely always will. I learned at a young age, to take accountability for my mistakes. To own them and accept responsibility for my mistakes. One of the ways I have consistently made mistakes is in my words. I get angry easily and will say very mean and hurtful things to others. 

And no matter how many times I apologize, say I’m sorry, and ask for forgiveness the damage has already been done. We cause damage to the relationship when our words and behaviors don’t match our true feelings. I am a big proponent of the idea when we are angry and when we are reacting emotionally, we say things we don’t really mean. I don’t think it is the same as the idea of there being a some truth in every sarcastic comment or joke we make. When we get angry, when we are arguing we become irrational. I mean we cease to think about things in a rational manner and we operate from a place of emotions which prohibits us from being able to think clearly. My wife and I have attempted to employ a strategy when having an argument to take some time away from the discussion to calm down. We don’t always get this right (truthfully, I am the one who has the hardest time with this). When counseling couples, I also advise this strategy. Take some time away to calm down and begin to think clearly and rationally again, and then come back to finish and resolve the conflict. Don’t ever just walk away and fail to find resolution. 

Sometimes resolution is hard to find. One of the many reasons resolution can be hard to find is those damn words we used while arguing that have caused a rift or a space between us. Our words hurt. Our words cut like knives. Our words actually do damage to our relationships with others. Honestly, our words when we aren’t arguing have the potential to do harm as well. My wife jokes my best qualities are that I am sarcastic and negative. I enjoy a good, well-timed sarcastic comment like the next guy… and I have seen to damage done by sarcastic comments. Sometimes, sarcasm is worse than words said in an argument. At least in an argument there’s an excuse for saying hurtful things. Sarcastic comments don’t get a pass.

Our words can be the source of encouragement, intimacy, connection, and relationship. Our words can also be the source of hurt, pain, suffering, condescension, and anger. How we speak to each other has the potential to do great harm or do great good to each other. Which will you choose? Will you choose to be careful in the ways you speak to those around you? Or will you choose to let your words cause whatever havoc they may?