eli westfall, lmft

A few years ago, I used to work in the admissions department of a local psychiatric hospital. After working part time for about a year, I went full-time and left a five year stint with the State of Florida as a Child Protective Investigator. When I worked as a CPI, I would often get asked if I was afraid when going to certain neighborhoods. I can report with no exaggeration, in five years I don’t recall ever being scared or afraid for the safety of my life. I did go to some unsavory areas of town during non-daylight hours, but I was not afraid. I am reasonably confident in my ability to de-escalate and diffuse situations. I have a laid-back and calm demeanor, which if you know me is actually the biggest contradiction you will ever read, that is well suited to keeping potentially hostile people and situations from getting out of hand. I will never forget the night working in the admissions department when, for the first time in as long as I can remember I was afraid for my safety. During my shift, I was confronted by two patients, one who was drunk and one was in the midst of a psychotic episode. The interactions I had with both of these patients definitely called my personal safety into question, mostly because both patients threatened to kill me. I was very lucky that night and I was able to remove myself from each situation without personal harm. And despite my wishes and desires to recount to you feats of badassery, each situation was resolved without conflict or physical force. But, it did get me to thinking about being afraid and my fears.

How many times do we think about our fears? Some of us, we think about them daily. Others, rarely think of fear… or so they want us to think. I speculate fear is a far greater motivator for most of us than we would feel comfortable admitting to ourselves, let alone to others. Fear of failing. Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing control. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of people finding out who we really are. But fear nonetheless.

An honest reflection of my life reveals fear has been the primary motivator for almost everything I have had said or done for as long as I can remember. As I press into this honest reflection of my life, I find many of my fears are misplaced or self-imposed. My fears are misplaced manifestations of my own insecurities, which are based on misplaced interpretations of other’s expectations of me. I wonder if this is true of my fears, could it also be true your fears may be misplaced or self-imposed?And if so, do they really have any no business acting as the guiding factor or driving force of our lives?

So, why do we allow fear to drive us, to guide us, to be the determining motivator for the ways? If I take a look into the fears I have allowed to drive my life, I have come to realize there are two main reasons for why fear has been a primary motivator in my life.

1. Fear confirms the lies about myself I know to be true.
2. Fear tells me if anyone saw the real me, they would be disgusted.

It has been my experience we are our harshest critics. No matter how hard on us others are, our family, friends, or strangers, we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else. Reasonably so, we know all the things inside no one else is able to see about us. As are our harshest critics, we don’t always see ourselves accurately. We take any deficiency, small or large, and run with it. We convince ourselves that mistake we made, wasn’t actually a mistake it is who we are. When we disappoint others, let others down, or hurt others with our actions or words, we convince ourselves that is who we are. We don’t offer ourselves the grace to make a mistake here and there. We determine the worst parts of ourselves to be true. Let me give you an example. Over the years I have struggled with anger management. We could have a very long conversation about anger management and my history with it. For many years, anger was my go to emotion. It was the manner in which I expressed all other emotions. I would yell at everyone around me. I was mean and rude to my wife and boys. In my worst moments, I acted like a monster. At some point, I began to believe the reason I acted like a monster was because I was a monster. I felt the shame of being a monster. I feared the lie I told myself to be the truth. Turns out, I am not a monster. My difficulty managing my anger wasn’t the expression of my monster-ness, rather it was symptomatic of unresolved feelings. Specifically, feelings of being hurt (there is a whole other post on anger which delves into this). Once I managed the underlying feelings, the anger became more manageable and I no longer had to fear I the lie I believed to be true. I realized it was a lie and there was no truth in it.

Similar to believing a lies about ourselves, we fear if people get to know us… the real us, they won’t want anything to do with us. Most of have at least one experience we are so embarrassed to share we just can’t share it with anyone. I know this to be true, as a therapist I hear many confessions of secrets no one else has ever heard. Those who love us, truly love us, are not going to be turned away by any action we have committed. They are going to love us no matter what, through the pain and hardship. It may be difficult, it isn’t always going to be easy. Loving us and trusting us are not the same thing. There are some behaviors which don’t break love, but they do breach trust. For most of us, that dirty secret we don’t want anyone to know… it isn’t as bad as we think it is. For me, it was my struggle with anger. Turns out, lots of dudes struggle with anger. Who knew? Maybe we can find strength by sharing those secrets and rather than people turning away from us, they will be drawn to us deepening our connection because now we have a common struggle. My wife and I have been 27 years. There have been some pretty hard ones in there. I don’t go running around telling everyone about those tough times, but I have found when I do open up about them they resonate with people more than I could have ever imagined. Who would have thought my story, my struggle would give someone else hope? Instead of live in the fear of people being disgusted if they get to know the ‘real’ us, we should live in the reality of our experiences aren’t that much different than those around us and can actually be a source of strength and encouragement.

I’m kinda done letting fear control my life.

I no longer fear the lies I tell myself are true… I live in the truth knowing they are not. I no longer live in the fear if you knew the real me you would be disgusted… I live in the reality of knowing my experience has given hope to others.

How about you? Ready to stop living in fear?