eli westfall, lmft

In the last post we talked about when we are feeling angry, we have to work to find the emotion underneath then anger, we have to work to resolve the emotion we don’t want to feel. Now we have a better handle and idea on the why behind being angry… what can we do to better manage the anger?

There are many strategies to manage anger and not all of them will be as effective for everyone. These strategies are not necessarily groundbreaking or complex. They are hard to master because we have to be willing to stifle the anger and intentionally abdicate the power we feel when we are angry.

A little bit ago, I came across the following four questions when researching anger management techniques to share with clients. I know what works for me to manage my anger, but every now and then I research strategies online to make sure I am keep up to date with latest trends and techniques. These four questions are not mine, I didn’t write them or come up with them on my own. But these questions are worth asking ourselves when we feel we are starting to get angry.

• “Is my anger justified?”
  • We should ask ourselves whether our anger is a reasonable response to the situation or if it’s an overreaction.
  • We should reflect on whether the situation truly warrants such a strong emotional response.
  • If when we take a moment to determine if the situation warrants us being angry and the answer is ‘no’, we don’t have to be angry about it.
• “What am I hoping to achieve by getting angry?”
  • Often our anger is a mask for other emotions or a way to avoid addressing the root cause of the problem.
  • We should consider if getting angry will actually lead to the desired outcome or if it will only escalate the situation.
  • We should ask ourselves if getting angry will resolve the issue at hand?
• “How will my anger affect the situation and others?”
  • We should think about the potential consequences of expressing your anger, both for yourself and those involved.
  • If we get angry, is our anger going damage relationships or create further problems?
  • We should remember the value and worth people and relationships have and make sure if we get angry the people and relationships we value aren’t going to suffer unrepairable damage as a result of our anger.
• “Is there a more constructive way to address this?”
  • We can take a moment and explore alternative ways of dealing with the situation, such as communication, problem-solving, or seeking support.
  • We should consider if there are strategies you can use to de-escalate the situation and find a more positive resolution.
  • Similar to the first question of our anger being justified, is anger the best way to manage the situation or is there a better option with less potential for fall out?

Anger management, like all emotional regulation is a complex balance and a skill we must practice to be good at it. And like many other things which require discipline for us to be good at, it isn’t easy.

Let me know if these have worked for you or if you have other questions you ask yourself to navigate through anger.