eli westfall, lmft

Parenting is hard. Probably one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing anyone will ever do. There is so many things to worry about, to consider, so many dynamics and variables to try to control. It is a difficult and ominous task, which often has much larger implications and impacts than we can imagine. There are many variables of being a parent we are not able to control or manipulate to make us feel good about situations. We have some many interactions with our children, tons of good ones and tons of bad ones, sometimes it is hard to know which ones are making the impact and if we are actually doing any good as a parent. There have been many days I have gone to bed with the knowledge I am the world’s worst parent… or at least it so strongly in my bones. And it is true, I have made many mistakes, but I am far from the worst parent around. That kind of negative self-talk can be pervasive and permeate our thinking to cause to question and doubt ourselves.

The older I get and the longer I am a parent, the better I understand what it must have been like for my parents as I grew into an adult. My wife and I have three boys, the oldest of which turns 20 in a few weeks and the middle one turned 18 a couple months ago. As I reflect on where I was at in my life at the age my boys are, I can’t imagine having my boys make the decisions I made. I got married at the ripe old age of 21 and moved 500 miles away to another state. What!?! I have a hard time envisioning my oldest getting married a year from now and actually striking out on his own. True, it took a couple years before my wife and I were totally on our own and didn’t have to rely on parents to help us, but I still can’t imagine my boys having that conversation with me and me not responding like it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard… which is what I imagine my parents were thinking when I told them I wanted to get married, because in many ways it was!

Mind boggling life changing decisions notwithstanding, this parenting thing really is something else. It is simultaneously the best and worst thing I have ever done, the most rewarding and the most challenging. There have been so many moments of joy and utter happiness with our boys and certainly times of tears and difficulty. There really is no ache or pain like watching your child suffer, whether it is physical, mental, or emotional pain. It sucks. Like really sucks. If I take an honest reflection of the last 20 years of parenting, I would say without a doubt the positives greatly outweigh the negatives. While it has been extremely hard, I would do it all over again and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I spent some time working with the State of Florida as a Child Protective Investigator investigating claims of child abuse. As I interviewed the parents and tried to understand them and tried to understand the dynamics of the family so I could identify ways in which I could be helpful to them, there were several questions I asked all parents. These weren’t the standard interview questions they taught us to ask in the course of our investigations. These were questions I came up with on my own and implemented because I felt like they helped me to get to the root of their experience as a parent and would almost certainly sum up their experience as a parent. I always asked, ‘What is the best thing about being a parent?’; ‘What is the hardest thing about being a parent?’; and ‘Describe your child and tell me what it is you like the most about them.’ (Well the last one isn’t really a question, but you get the idea.) I would argue those three questions will tell me everything I need to know about what kind of parent you are. I could go into detail about how the nuances of your answers to those questions inform me about you as a parent… that sounds like it would be better suited to be the subject of another post.

As a therapist I have the opportunity to interact with parents who are at all stages of being a parent, from new parents to seasoned veterans, parents with one child to parents of multiple children, parents who have well-behaved children to parents who have children with arrest records, and parents who have outlived their children. Many times, these parents are unsure of themselves and their ability as parents and they are seeking advice or reassurance on how they are being a parent. I am certainly not a superstar parent who has it all figured out, but have been a parent for a minute and seen some things. I feel like those Farmer’s Insurance commercials, ‘we know a thing or two, because we have seen a thing or two.’ That’s me. I know a thing or two, because I have seen a thing or two. Here are a few of the tips, tricks, pointers, advice or whatever you want to call it that I find myself sharing with parents.

1. They are individuals. This seems easy enough to grasp, but in application it isn’t always. Sometimes we don’t always remember even though they are in the same environment and have the same nurturing from us as parents, they aren’t the same person, nor are they clones of each other. As parents we have to find out what the personality of each child is and tailor our interactions with them to suit that personality and not the personality of one of their siblings. We have three boys and they are very similar in many ways. And they are very, very different in a ton of ways. The way my wife and I interact with each one is slightly different, not less or more just different. Different because each one of them needs us in a different way. We don’t treat all of our friends the same way, do we? And we shouldn’t treat our children as though each younger child is a clone of the firstborn. Discipline will often look different from child to child. Some of the parenting and discipline will be the same across the board, but much of it needs to be adjusted to each individual child.
2. Be realistic with what you expect from your children, from a developmental perspective. It is utterly unrealistic to expect a five year to get himself out of bed, dressed, eat breakfast, and be ready to walk out the door to head to school with no involvement from us as parents. It is not going to happen. It isn’t unrealistic to expect the same from a 15 year old child. Children develop as they grow and their ability to not just complete tasks and activities, but their ability to comprehend and understand things also grows. This is especially critical when we start talking about discipline. We have to make sure the discipline we implement is age-appropriate. We also have to make sure we are disciplining them for behaviors they shouldn’t be doing at their current age. Being realistic about your expectations for your will help reduce frustration for everyone involved.
3. Work as a team. When there are two parents in the home (or even if there are divorced parents who are co-parenting), working together as a collective team is critical. Kids have the tendency to play parents against each other to get what they want. Being a united front, one team makes this a little more difficult. Not only does it limit the opportunity for children to divide and conquer, it also reduces the opportunity for one parent to take on the role of the bad guy. No parent wants to the be the bad guy, we all want to be the fun parent. The fun parent isn’t always the right move in the moment and we both need to have the ability to be the bad guy and not side with the children against the other parent. Teamwork makes the dreamwork or something like that. The more you work with your spouse as a team, the better the overall parenting and the more like everyone feels they are equally heard and respected. Working as a team removes the space for one parent to be undermined by the other parent. Undermining the authority of the other parent is never the right move. This does nothing but create division and is detrimental to the parenting team and the relationship of the parents with the children. Work together as a team and not against each other.
4. Be involved, take an interest, and just spend time with your kids. It can be hard to keep up with all the things kids are interested in these days, but it doesn’t much effort to be interested in our kids. Take time to go to soccer or cross country practices. Drive them to school or pick them up when you can. Go to the orchestra concerts. And for crying out loud, sho up to a game every now and then. Wrestle with them on the floor. Watch their favorite show or movie. Take the dogs on a walk. Ask about their day. Take them out for a coffee, breakfast, lunch, or a snack. All of these are easy ways to show interest and to be involved in the lives of our kids. It isn’t hard, it just takes intentionality. Be intentional about being present in the lives of your kids.
5. Don’t sacrifice time with your family for anything else of lesser value. Not one of us is going to get to the end of our lives and say we wished we had spent more time at work. Not one of us. Many of us will get to the end and wish we had spent more time with family. Don’t make that mistake. Sure, sometimes we have to prioritize other things over family. Make that commitment as short-lived as possible and don’t ever accept it as the way things will always be. Our families should be our greatest investment and our greatest success. Don’t let other things be more important than family

These are not the keys to being the worlds’ greatest parent. It’s probably possible to implement all of these and still have a terrible time as a parent, there are no guarantees in being a parent. I have made many mistakes as a parent and continue to get things wrong a lot of the time, but I have found when I keep these five things in mind I am more fulfilled as a parent and I enjoy it much more. Hopefully, in sharing these you are able to find use for them. If you wanna talk about your experience or need some help to get things back on track as a parent please reach out, I am here to help.