eli westfall, lmft

People are going to let us down. People are going to act in ways we don’t want. People are not going to live up to our hopes for them. Many times this causes us to be disappointed, upset, frustrated, and even angry with them. I have said to clients many times, ‘you can’t control how other people act towards you but you can control how you respond to what other people do.’ When people don’t live up to the expectations we have for them, there is a way for us to maintain a relationship with them and at the same time protect ourselves from potential future hurts. We have to temper our expectations of them and how they are going to act.

I have two GSPs (German Shorthaired Pointers, if you aren’t ‘in the know). They are both great dogs, in different ways. Spoiled rotten, but still good dogs. Duchess (her government name is Duchess Satine of Mandalore) is a sweet girl. She is very loving and affectionate. She loves to give hugs. She is a good dog. Gunner is an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good dog too… but he has his moments. He is a good snuggler. He is a great runner. And what I mean by that is he likes to run out the front door and around the neighborhood. We have learned we can’t leave our front door wide open. We have learned if we don’t regularly and consistently exercise him, he will get twitchy and he will run. We have had to temper our expectations about his behavior when the front door is open… or any time he is off leash.

It is a silly comparison, however the truth underneath remains. We have to temper our expectations of others. Another way to say this, is we need to have realistic expectations for how people are going to act in any given situation. Pigs and going to wallow in mud. All day, everyday. Why should we expect anything else? Gunner will run out the door when he has the chance. Why should I expect anything else? When we have realistic expectations for how people are going to act or what the nature of a relationship/friendship is like we set ourselves up so we aren’t unnecessarily disappointed with the outcome of any given interaction. Not only do we avoid disappointment we avoid putting pressure on someone or on a relationship which shouldn’t be there.

Taking a realistic look at others or at relationships is meeting them where they are, but it is not giving them a pass to behave however they please. When family members consistently lie to us, mislead us, and hide things from us we shouldn’t be disappointed or angry the next time they do such a thing. This doesn’t mean we don’t call them out on it or we let them get away with it, it means we expect them to behave the way they are going to behave. This isn’t always easy to do, especially when we are invested in the relationship and we have a stake in its success. It is hard to lower expectations and meet people where they are. Hard, not impossible.

There are several benefits to this approach. First, we avoid anger and disappointment from our interactions with them. We gain a realistic perspective on what the relationship is genuinely like. We can have more authentic and genuine relationships with people since we aren’t putting undue pressure on the relationship. And lastly, it can be an opportunity for growth on the part of the other person.

A few final words on this idea. I would make an argument if we are striving mental health, setting boundaries, and having authentic relationships with others we have to do this. Life throws numerous stressors, hard times, and obstacles to overcome it is essential for us to be streamline our lives as much as we can so we keep ourselves as healthy as we possibly can.